Why I Write: Rachel Peters

I hate writing.  Other people go to the gym after work, or see friends on the weekend, and they don’t walk around not realizing they have pens in their hair and under their bra straps.  A friend actually told me once that sometimes he has nothing in his head.  Nothing at all.  Radio silence.  I can’t imagine how wonderful that must feel.  Other people sleep at night.  Other people read a good book just for the story.  Other people go entire weeks without an e-mail that says you’re not a good fit, not quite what they’re looking for, the tone just isn’t right.  But best of luck elsewhere.  Other people are allowed to keep their own secrets.

When I published my first story, half of my family stopped speaking to me.  They saw too much of themselves in it, and they didn’t like what they saw.  My sister accused me of publishing lies.  I told her it was fiction, but she insisted on the word “lies.”  My father accused me (not to my face) of “having a catharsis at anyone’s expense.”  How did he think I felt?  Writing is just stripping in front of the world.  Now I only tell them about half the things I publish.  I won’t tell them about this.

Someone asked me once if being a writer is lonely.  For me it is.  The real question is: am I lonely because I write?  Or do I write because I’m lonely?  I’ll probably never know, and I suppose it doesn’t matter.  The fact remains, writing is lonely work.

So why do I write if I hate it so much?

Because the days I don’t write are worse.  The world closes in on me.  My thoughts are so heavy without a place to put them for safe-keeping.  And not putting a pen to paper does not change the fact that my brain is always racing, and I can’t sleep at night.  I write because I can’t separate writing from who I am.

If I needed alcohol as badly as I need writing, they’d put me in a program.

Or maybe hate is too strong a word.  I love the successes, I love the high, I love the pride I feel when I’ve created something worth sharing.  I love the relief of getting something off my shoulders, and the e-mails that say “Yes!  You are a good fit for us!”  I love the idea that somebody else might read what I’ve written and it might be the exact thing they needed to hear in that moment.  And maybe they won’t feel so alone.

My sister called them “lies,” but they aren’t lies.  They’re just not her truths.  We all have our own truths, and we share them, hoping—blindly—that some day we will find someone who shares those truths.  And in that moment, for just that moment, we might not feel so alone.  To me, that’s worth suffering for.

Related Posts
Filter by
Post Page
Featured Fiction New Fiction Finalist for Hell's Belles Award Fiction & Culture Fiction Craft The Story Behind the Story Essays/Articles (all)
Sort by

“Margaret Atwood in Paradise”

In paradise, they are forever putting on makeup and sweating out of it. You can tell time by the number of times
2019-07-17 10:44:12
amy-stuber

8

“Whited-Out”

A smear of wite-out blotched the space just beneath the signature of the Murphy’s C
2019-03-18 11:21:30
laurahatosy

8

“Enough for Now”

Annie listened to the June bugs ping against the porch light. She reclined on the porch stairs so that one of the
2016-11-21 22:32:45
danijansen

8

Not Myself: On Writing Other Perspectives

This never-ending debate came up several times in my MFA classes: can a writer write from the perspective of
2015-06-22 14:58:44
kcochran

8

“Are You Ready to Write?”

You’ve decided to write your first novel. Congratulations. You can’t wait to sit down and write.
2015-01-31 06:30:52
cblake

8

“Dear Subscribers”

Dear Subscribers: It’s been three years since the last “Gaming with Rosa” video went up on the channel. Thoug
2019-11-18 09:42:37
natemedwards

0

“Rabbit County”

Jeremy said that one of Marsha’s rabbits got away again.  He told me last night while we were sitting in Dino’s wait
2019-11-15 09:07:07
asmith18

0

The Story Behind the Story: “Been Ingeious”

I wanted to try writing a piece of flash fiction that encompassed some broad themes and took place over an extended
2019-11-11 11:06:44
jason-graff

0

“Human Noise”

I dread first days of school. Teachers—and later, professors—ask their students to go around the room and give a “fu
2019-11-08 23:57:44
taylorhickney

0

The Story Behind the Story: “Girl in Doubt”

This story was written solo, but exists as part of a collaborative manuscript co-written with Aimee Parkison. While
2019-11-04 11:25:00
guessc

0

About Rachel Peters

Rachel Peters is a writer, teacher, and swimming pool operator who lives in Richmond, VA, with her husband and their dog, who looks like he might be part chow and part lab. Her work has been published in the Bristol Short Story Prize Anthology and is forthcoming in the Boston Literary Magazine.