“SWF Seeking SM to Sleep on the Other Side of the Bed” by Kassia Miller

I am a non-snorer and cover sharer who tends to sleep exclusively on one side of the bed, thereby creating a semi-permanent valley in the mattress. I’m looking for a man to sleep next to me to even out my mattress. Cleanliness is a plus. Not too much body hair. Nonsmoker. Individuals with excessive night-sweating need not apply. 
If you are in search of fun, romance, and potentially a long-term relationship, please look elsewhere. I literally am only concerned with the fact that my mattress is starting to look like a sine curve. If you don’t even know what that means, that’s cool. I just need a physical weight in the shape of a body to sleep on the right side of the bed to make it less of a mountain. 
Applicant must be amenable to my trashy bedtime reading, frequent trips to the bathroom and occasional 3 AM trips to the kitchen to quietly eat chunks of Jarlsberg because I tried to be “good” all day and am now starving. Must not bring up the latter the next day, even if some of it is stuck to the sheets. Must brush teeth before bed and not care if I do not. Must not mind having a leg flung over you at times and must not read into this. I am only cooling off my thigh. Again: I do not like you in that way. It’s just that I have an expensive mattress that doesn’t allow for flipping because of its pillow-top design, and it is starting to look misshapen. 
Must be okay with only periodic changes of the sheets. This will not include after use by a family member or another guest that I, in my sole discretion, determine “seems clean.” Mascara smudges will not constitute a reason to change the sheets. Must be comfortable sleeping with one pancake-flat pillow as I need to rotate between the three good down ones throughout the night. Must wear Old Spice deodorant because I like it. Know that I will not be thinking of you when I smell it, though. Occasionally being willing to go above and beyond by realigning the comforter inside the duvet cover when it begins to slip and bunch towards the bottom is also a major plus.
Applicant must not need to cuddle, spoon or otherwise put your body parts on or around me during my slumber. Again, you are not my boyfriend and even if you were, don’t touch me when I’m sleeping. What am I supposed to do with your arm pinning me down like broken parking garage gate? Must sleep with mouth facing away from me at all times. Must be comfortable with awaking to the alarm at 7 AM but only arising after three to seventeen snoozes, depending on my schedule. 
Must get the fuck out immediately in the morning. 
I look forward to using you!

–originally appeared in McSweeney’s. Reprinted with permission from author.

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Kassia Miller

About Kassia Miller

Kassia Miller is a writer and actor based in New York City. Kassia writes sketches at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater for her Maude Team (212), and she performs improv at UCB with her Harold team Women & Men. Kassia has written for MTV Other, Crushable.com and comedian Murray Hill, and has had her work featured on McSweeneys, Above Average and College Humor. She is currently a writer for the “Cap’n Crunch Show”, an animated late night show for the Cap’n himself. Kassia wrote and stars in Euphora, a comedic web series about two employees at a makeup store. Varying her sentence structure, Kassia can also be seen acting in commercials and sketches. Kassia played Jane Lane opposite Aubrey Plaza’s Daria in College Humor’s Daria Movie Trailer. Kassia worked as a lawyer before dedicating herself to writing and performing comedy full-time. So she currently lives in an apartment she can't afford but she fully understands the lease. Kassia is originally from Virginia and loves country music unironically.