“Limbo”

You’ve been in traffic for two hours. It’s been rain the whole way.

Your wife is probably waiting in the kitchen. She’s probably wilted over the stove while the food simmers on low, sipping the heat between her cheeks. Wondering why you never called.  

Truth is, you haven’t thought of it. Your mind is somewhere else. Not the somewhere you return to but the one from which you came. The somewhere your mother will die.

Her room was rotten white.

You left her there–to be old among old, sick among sick, to wait among the already waiting–

-and for what

-and for who knows how long

Someday, you’ll be waiting, too.

Here, it took her forever to sit down, to get from one resting position to another. You held her by the elbow and focused your eyes on a curl in the curtains while she bent each muscle on its own. This is the nature of neurodegeneration, disease with a desire to possess.When she finally lay, her chest moved like spitting cotton, thirst you can’t quench; you tucked her in, looked at her,

-in her face

-what she wanted

-who she was

You wonder now if your mother will find peace. If anyone could in such a space. Or if anyone does, anywhere, or if there’s ever even a time for peace in a person’s life, or if it’s all running, to or from something, until you arrive there, in that rotting room with no sound or space to claim for your own, except for your own body, and you’re losing that, too.

But your wife wonders something else. Something both parallel and perpendicular.

And she’s not in the kitchen, she’s playing the piano–which she hasn’t for years to your knowledge. Regardless, she’s never forgotten the notes.

It’s a song her mother taught her. She wants to teach it, too. She’ll tell you so when you arrive.

She’ll say, “Don’t you want something of your own?”

-(pause).

-look.

You can see her,  your daughter, if she were to be. She’ll sit at the piano and play the notes from her memory, eyes trained on hands–you’ll think, what if this music, like language, is a lesson she learns, but never feels? Never knows in its entirety? She can’t play every combination of notes she needs to hear, only what she’s given, the ones you taught her; and this is forever, this shrinking from small to smaller, until she leaves like she came, like your mother, starving for the wholeness they can’t have, for the knowing of what they’re missing.

And you’re scared. Of life. Your own, mostly, but also most everyone else’s; and you can’t do it, nurture something into suffering with nature, teach love without learning it for you.

And what if she, too,  should realize this, at only 21, while driving back for july to a home that is hers only briefly, and she calls you twice before she spins off into the rail–a traffic jam will follow, the late rush, the very one you’re sitting in–and people will talk of nothing but inconvenience til they marvel at the wreck–and you’ll think, what if

That’s somebody’s child. Somebody’s lover. Somebody’s friend. Someone who had someone waiting, too.

-(unpause).

“So what do we do?” she’ll ask you, “What else can we do?”

-listen.

There is this:

-her

-the spilling of sky

-the awaiting of something new

-the gap that must be filled

-the question that’s to come:

can you fill two at once?

I’m sorry. You’ll tell her so in sixty minutes. With sixty steps from street to stove. In sixty days, she’ll leave.

 

But for now, drive. Don’t stop. To stop is to deny the need for arrival.  

 

Listen to what the rain has to say.

That this is pedisis:

-the erratic movement of particles suspended in excess

Apoptosis:

-cell-death that is predetermined.

It’s not undecided, but it is, and you are.

You’re on your way. You’re going to get there soon.

 

Related Posts
Filter by
Post Page
New Fiction Featured Fiction Essays/Articles (all)
Sort by

“Be Proud, Be Brave, Aspire!”

Explaining how I was waiting for a break with my writing career, my therapist responded by making a convincing case
2016-08-25 11:28:03
rdetman

8

“The Only Song is the Song of the Self”

The aurora of fireworks over the Hudson has passed and New York’s Finest are cordially inviting everyone to move the
2019-10-21 23:53:25
mark-crimmins

0

“Lazy Leonard’s Year-Round Fireworks and Tanning”

was, of course, open. When wasn’t this place ready to make a buck? After all, people might at any time need f
2019-10-18 23:52:46
thackerl

0

“5 AM”

Jeremy says I’m a waste of weed because I can never pull anything into my lungs. Now
2019-10-14 23:49:29
sraghav

0

“Love”

Bobby and his girlfriend had been going out for four years. They were inseparable
2019-10-07 11:03:05
michaelferro

0

“I’ll Have What She’s Having”

Fun fact: Nora Ephron and I share the same birthday. I first experienced Ms. Ephron with her film “Heartburn”
2019-10-04 23:47:26
dana

0

“Unleaving”

The boy’s favorite smell was the smell of leaves burning, that mossy, earthy smoke, even though you weren’t supposed
2019-10-02 09:37:12
kathrynka

0

“Symptoms and Remedies”

I try to interpret the signs of my own body, and think back to a medieval literature class I took in which we
2019-09-30 11:05:53
emilylivingstone

0

“A Proper Fight”

Meena remembered once seeing a girl in a movie suck on a guy’s bloody knuckles after a fight. The girl had brushed h
2019-09-25 21:03:41
vankhanna

0

“Tourists”

Coach unzips his blue tracksuit, zipper fizzling down the suede, as the wind carries the sound off the bluffs at the
2019-09-23 11:04:54
kyledillon

0

About Marah Herreid

18 yr old from Denver, CO.